How to Start an Unsuccessful Fitness Regimen

1) Wait until New Year’s or the first of the month, or Monday, or or a lunar eclipse, or your bar mitzvah since no successful fitness program can begin absent some momentous occasion.

2) Go out and spend a few hundred dollars on supplements, fat burners, muscle builders, sleep enhancers, skin rejuvenators, and workout clothes. Make sure and use all the money you should be using on buying real food.


3) Tell everyone. Blast your intentions out over all available social media outlets. Make sure everyone knows what you are “about” to do and how amazingly hard it’s “about” to be. Make sure you take any negative feedback and store it in the back of your mind so when you need an excuse to quit, you don’t have to go through all the effort of making up one of your own.


4) Be prepared to change very little about your current habits and lifestyle, if any at all.


5) Make sure to set a “weight loss” goal without learning anything about true indicators of progress such as performance, and body composition measurements. Have scales set up in strategic locations so you can keep an eagle eye on what you’ve chosen to be your sole indicator of success.


6) Take a lot of pics of that first workout, and again tell everyone about it.


7) Take the next couple days off. You earned it!!!


8) Realize that no one really gives a shit about you working out and, since you didn’t really do it for you in the first place, pull out some of that negative feedback and craft an intricate, totally unique excuse for not sticking with it.


9) Drift off into obscurity and hope no one ever goes back and reads all your motivational facebook posts. Or just delete them.